The Letter

For my Summer Love

So, let’s start with the why I am doing this.

I really don't know. I just need to let it all out, but don't want to talk to people, so I’ll write it, I guess. XD

Btw, calling you “Summer Love” is too much, but the term sounds right. Since what we had was in the summer (August) and I was told you were the first person I really was interested in.

Which, funny enough, left me completely shocked, but it was true, so…

Our story was funny and weird, starting from nowhere and finishing exactly like that.

We had a person in the “middle”, and I am very grateful to her; she showed me that we were not right for each other.

After everything, I still don't get why you “wanted me”, I have my theories;

• You were lonely and a girl interested in you…

• You wanted to make the girl jealous

• You just wanted to fuck me

I don't want to believe the last one.

I have been thinking about that a lot lately, but I get that I will never know the answer to that, and if I keep thinking about that, it won’t take me anywhere, so I’m trying my best to not think about that.

I have been doing that lately a lot, trying not to think of things that won’t change.

We had our good moments, just talking and driving around. Late night drives were the best, just us, the music and long talks.

I think you showed me a little bit of you there, when was just us, you felt safe.

I still have photos of moments we took on my phone.

When I scroll and see them I smile, my favorite is the one you took of me in my favorite park.

You probably already deleted it...

One day, you were on vacation from work and that's where I started noticing that something changed.

I don't know if it was you or me. But I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter now.

We changed. I think you figured out that a life without me was better and I was not worth it. Or you just figured out that you were not making her jealous, because she never wanted you in the first place, she just wanted to hurt me. And for a little while, she did … so it worked.

After that, things got worse, you lost your patience with me, we had the talk and ended up following different paths.

I followed mine and you followed yours, like it was supposed to.

It hurt like hell to see you go, but it had to be done…

I just regret not having anything yours, sure I have the messages, the photos, but I wanted something that I could touch, keep and cherish.

I think what hurt the most is that you showed me someone could “love” me. And without even realizing it, you said something that eased my worst insecurity and you probably never knew how much it meant to me.

I changed how I look at myself, because of you and you don't even know.

I cried talking about you and you don't know.

I was hurt, sad, breaking apart and you didn't know.

I had to go to work, talk to people, pretend to be happy and see how indifferent you were to all that.

I think what probably hurt the most, was seeing that you were so much to me and I was so little to you.

I was going through all that and every time I saw you, your car or a place I knew you'd probably be my heart would beat faster.

The last straw came and proved me completely right.

I talked with her and she told me, the “truth”. After that, the pieces started to fit… things you had said before finally made sense now and I realized that you never actually knew me.

You never asked me if it was true or not, you just believed her… that just showed me that if you had to choose between me or her, you would always choose her.

I was already hurt, and with that, I broke completely. I felt stupid, used, angry and devastated. But then again, I put my mask back on and moved on with my life.

The next days I would cry, literally cry, talking about us, you, everything.

After some time, it hurt less and then I saw how much you actually helped me.

“I saw that my decision got from my head to my heart” as a reference to my favorite movie.

For a while, seeing you, your car and your friends was hard.

Seeing you was worse, but I needed that, my heart would stop. I remember a specific day when I was doing my stuff at work and when I looked at the line you were there. My heart stopped for a moment and suddenly started beating fast, like right before a jumpscare. That was driving me crazy.

Like always, I pretended that nothing happened and continued my job.

Did you notice it?

Did I do a bad job at pretending?

Apparently, I’ve been thinking about this more than I thought. I had a dream where someone pointed out to me that even though I was suffering more, you were suffering too.

When I woke up, I was confused and in disbelief. I still couldn’t believe it, you always appeared fine to me.

To you, I was something that passed fast. You once told me about the “girl”, “Its past and we are friends, nothing more.”, “I don't care about her”. I don't think that I’m different, if anything, I was less, because I never saw you looking at me the same way you did at her.

I get it she was different than me.

I think that you were just trying to make her jealous, thinking to yourself “even if she doesn't want me, there’s already someone who does or even just someone to not feel alone”. I don't know and I think I never will.

The thing is, you helped me and I am grateful for that. Thank you again. I told you that out of the blue and you were confused, but I just needed to tell you.

Without knowing it, I’ll always refer you as my “summer love” and the person that helped me a lot, but we were never meant to be.

Sometimes I like to pretend that you were hurt too.

That you had feelings for me too.

But that won’t help, so I convinced myself of the opposite. I convinced myself that I just don't know anymore.

Did you even like me?

Did our separation hurt you?

Did I help you?

Did I mean something?

How do you talk about me?

Did I make any difference? Or am I just one more?

I don't know the answer and probably will never do.

I just hope that you’re happy, surrounded by people who love you and in the future, you make the family that you want. I hope that you’re better now and keep getting better and happier, despite your “problem”.

You do look happier, but I try not to look too much at you, to protect myself. It sounds dumb, but by thinking that you’re happier makes me feel better.

Sometimes when you post stuff, my first thought is “Is that for me?” … No, for that I needed to matter...

As you can see I walk in circles, going between “I did matter” and “I am just one more”.

I was taught that if you’re confused the answer is most certainly “no”, so….

This is my goodbye to us and to you. Like I said before, you’ll always be my “summer love”, the one I think and smile, the one who helped me a lot, but that part is over.

We’ll keep seeing each other, like we do now, but it will never be the same, it already isn't.

I still think of you but in a different way now. You changed me without even knowing; You changed who I was, who I became, and who I am now.

Do you still think about me?

Or am I just something that happened and you don't talk about it?

Well I know the answer to that.

I was a secret when I was “something” so… I’ll keep being a secret when we’re nothing.

I’ll honor that and I won't talk about it, just with my friends. People at work will never know from me.

With that promise, I say my goodbye and we finish the same way we started, at least I finish it for myself.

With love,

Your summer love

So..... I wrote a letter to get some things out, and after a comment I thought

of sharing the letter, let my pain help people.